(and I am up)

Today.
I call two alternative doctors.
I stretch in the shower.
I "bike" to Chelsea.
I get my hair cut at Chelsea Barbers.
I have the door held open for me as I leave by the woman who runs the place, who owns it.
I have two hotdogs at F&B Gudtfood on West 23rd. meh.
I totter across the street to the Chelsea Cinema and the movie is sold out.
I totter back across the street.
I fall.
I lie on the pavement.
I lie there as people pass.
I look around for something to grab onto... nothing.
I think, I think how am I going to stand back up?


"You need help?'
"Yeah, I do."
"Did you hurt yourself? Did you break something?"
"No, I'm fine, can you, can you help me up?
"Sure I can help you up."
"okay, thanks, watch out because I'm kind of heavy."

(and I am up)

"Thank you so much."
"Are you sure you're okay."
"Yeah, I'm fine, you see I have weak legs. I have a neurological disease, so when I fall, I can't get up by myself. I'm actually fine, I'm going to get on that bike over there, believe it or not."
"Well, you take care of yourself, okay, you take good care of yourself."
"I will, thank you, thank you so much."

I bike to CVS and buy ear plugs for swimming and super glue for broken sunglasses.
I walk in, an employee spots me and insists that she look for my merchandise while I stay where I am.

I bike home.
I swim in the pool with my new excellent ear plugs.
I glue my fingers together trying to mend my trendy sunglasses.
I talk to Mattie on the phone about getting an alternative doctor in the city, about the power of nutrition, about falling down on west 23rd Street and being helped up by a kind stranger.

GETTING CRUSHED

After working out and swimming, I'm wiped.
I can't sleep and I'm too tired to read.

So I go for a bike ride.

I'll motor to Riverside Park.

I want to lie in grass and stare up at trees. This is difficult for me because once I lie down, I can't get up without grabbing onto something, or getting help from a stranger.

Mike, my doorman, opens up the bike room for me as Rick and Karen sweep into the lobby.

I've worked with Rick and Karen at a summer stock theatre. I've been in a dozen shows with Rick. I quit working there years ago (for dubious reasons) but Rick continued. Now he is back from that theater, glad-handing all the doormen, happy to be back, triumphant in his return.

I'm in the back of the lobby where Rick can't see me. I recede, I slide anonymously into the bike room. I feel crushed, physically crushed.

And as I mount my bike,

(I lift my leg with with m right hand over the low-bar of the the bike)

I consider if I SHOULD leave New York. This might be too much. Continually comparing myself to others,
continually explaining myself to friends. The awful spectacle.

But in minutes, I'm on my bike, passing other slow poke cyclists. Using the hand throttle, I can quietly pass other bikers going full speed at 20 miles an hour. My legs are moving but I'm not breaking a sweat.

Riverside Park is gorgeous.
There are plenty of lush and peaceful spots. I (however) need to be near something sturdy so I can right myself.

I choose a spot behind a park bench.

I lie by the side of the large paved pathway (french-like in style, I think - more of a pedestrian boulevard than a sidewalk).
I'm two feet from gravel, peering through the slats of the park bench.

Lots of dog walkers in Riverside Park.

I stare at the dogs and their owners. Peeking through the slats of the park bench, I glumly stare at their world. The owner and pet are silent and solemn in their daily ritual. They are of like mind, but somehow the dog has more power.
The human is responsible to the dog.
The dog needs this walk.
The dog knows this is their time. The human (while enjoying the walk to a degree, worries if this is the best way to spend their time. The dog is confident, the dog is resolute that this is the best way to spend their time. This confidence gives the dog power.

This is why I was reluctant to get the cat. The cat knows what it needs. I don't know what I need, but I must comply to the cat's needs.

(damn cat)

After (some amount of time) staring through the slats of the park bench,

(if I hadn't had a bike next to me, I'd be mistaken for a careless drunk ... too lazy to venture further from the path)

I glide down to Battery Park.

I cross through SOHO to the east side.

(SOHO at dusk is the best, one of the nicest places to be in the city at that hour, I'd wager).

I get dinner at Fat Dumplings on east 11th. This is a great place. The food is cheap and tasty.
The owners set you up right. I had six dumplings and a ginger ale.

Diet coke is my usual, but there are WARNINGS about fake sugar.
There are articles, blog entries, theories devoted to suspect fake sugar.
Some conjecture that it may induce ALS.

At home, I turn on the air conditioner and fall asleep in the cold.

I have a dream. I dream that there was a biological disaster. Human beings have deformed into three categories.
Giants, normal sized people, and humans the size of mice. The tiny humans keep getting crushed in their tiny cars.

THE MIND, THE SOUL, THE SPIRIT,

PAINTING ROCKS

Sunday morning, I biked down to church for the eleven o'clock service.
At first, I couldn't get my bike to work. I struggled with the throttle.
I imagined my day, making annoyed calls to the bike store on the upper east side, the cab ride up there with the bike tied down to the back of the taxi.
But before giving into hopelessness, I paused, and let last week's testimony to sink in.

One thing that they teach at the Christian Science Church is G-d's infinite harmony.
Clue into G-d and leg go, harmony is always there.

So, I let go of frustration and by bike eventually worked.
Biking down the west side highway, I was bugged that I would be too late.
But I only was five minutes late and my lateness allowed me to sit on the side sitting sideways facing the pews.
It was so cool and peaceful. I felt utterly relaxed.
I really listened to the readings and as I listened, I meditated and prayed.
I felt more connected and heard more than I usually do.
You see? Harmony prevailed.

I spent the rest of the day buying vitamins at GNC and Whole foods.
Later I tried a Chi Gong DVD and tried to do 10 minutes of vocal work.

I think I feel better.

I biked to the AVIS near me to see if they had a car that would fit my bike. I was sitting on it as I spoke to the guy in the Avis lot so he could clearly see what I needed.
He was so nice! ( so nice that I wonder if I reek of sadness) He took the time to show me what might work, pulling down front seats, opening up the hatch backs. I zoomed away happy.

I love New York City but I crave nature. I need an escape. I want to be sitting under an enormous maple tree, reading biographies, sipping wine, painting rocks.

The whole "Patients like Me" website is kind of a shock to my system, but as I hunt and gather on my electric bike, as I practice pysical and vocal exercises, as I pray and come in touch with an infinite universe created by a loving G-d (this creator, this source has to be loving because love (I would argue) is the basis of our existence, as I review all this, and access this hope I've always held for life, my creative life, my career, my connections to others, I feel like I'll be okay. I am trained in creative hope.

Sometimes I'm filled with rage, sometimes confusion, but not despair. I am made of faith and hope.

SPRAYER

Susan had me over for dinner in her backyard garden on West 95th and Central Park West.

When I got there, she was wrestling with a fountain pump that she bought on Amazon for $50.
She said she bough it because it was German-made.

There was a hole by her backdoor lined with plastic bags and a bunch of nozzles, each nozzle creating a different look, a different spray. After testing different ones, she chose the kind they use for a champagne or punch bowl (a pretty and steady flow, but low. This nozzle was called "Water Bell".

It reminded me of a bidet.

I brought tinned oysters and crackers (so good they must be deadly).
We drank bad red wine (like cooking wine!) and had delicious corn on the cob (cooked on the grill) with chicken.

Like an elderly person, I had to leave by nine.

A few years ago, Susan and I drank so MUCH wine that when she woke up, there was wine on the walls.
We now refer to drinking wine as spraying.

As in, "come on over, got the wine sprayer ready."
_______________________________________________

Josh (charlie)

It was so fun to see you and ride your bike!
Hope you were in bed at a reasonable hour...
Talk to you soon,

Sue


________________________________


Marabec!

Thanks for the vinegary wine.

Reading this in the times today...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/16/fashion/16drunk.html?_r=1&ref=style

Thank you for my outside time.
I love coming to your place.

I wish I could have gotten sauced and splashed more.
But of course, I am unsure of my driving abilities.
Every day, there might be something missing.
(Where did that go?)

I, however, glided home like G-d's favorite.

Straight down West End, and then 11th, all green lights along the way.
i think I was home in ten minutes, sober and ready for my old man tub.

Love your outdoor bidet.
It needs to be on the hill in the back (for more privacy- behind a bush)

I'll be over for a wash.

-CROBERTS

GOOD ADVICE

I see Dr. Wang again this afternoon who tells me that the mind is the most important thing.
He tells me that I must not spend my days chasing after answers, running in a dozen different directions.
I must make a choice, the best choice for me, and stick with that choice.

I get an email from Lee from the "Patients Like Me" website.

I will tell you what has worked for me, does not mean it work for everyone, i do tai chi 3 times a week, peddle for a few minutes, walk around the block every nite rain or shine, take lots of vitamins, say my prayers, CoQ10 is very good for patients with ALS it is a vitamin, do not overdo yourself, never give up, and do not listen to the doctors when they say you only have a couple years, because there are people out there who have had it 10, 20, 30, years. Let me know if you need anything else.

Lee,

I email him back that I love him for sending me that email.

a cup of coffee in the morning

Last night my movie star friend Peggy

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3SETH203X-A)

came over and stayed the night.

She' s in the city visiting a friend from our old acting class, Anita, who is in a hospital in the Bronx with lung cancer.

Peggy enters my apartment carrying a jar of wild flowers from her yard in the Catskills.

"There for Anita"

"Well put them on the coffee table, there mine for tonight"

I open up some brie.
The brie smells like old baby diapers.
Peggy insists that it's Camembert and that's the way it's supposed to smell.

I sit at my permanent corner of the sofa, Peggy sits in one of the small club chairs.

We talk about her life. A friend has made inroads for a meeting with an agent for her. Peggy can't make the call.
She's having difficulty following up with her real estate career. She is at odds and ends.

I sit (deep in the cushions) and listen,
I don't say to this to her, but spoke with my sister today about the purpose of life.
It is so clear to me (now) that the the purpose of life is the enjoy yourself, enjoy who you are, to be happy.
What your circumstances are, what you do, is just something that guides you through your happiness.
I mean, I love a cup of coffee in the morning, Maybe that's enough.

But I DO bring up with Peggy (guru like in my manner) the power of intention.
Make it your intention to put off this agent meeting, make it that, that is what you have decided. You are in power.
Don't let it mess with you.

Intention has come up a lot in healing and religion.

"For instance," I tell Peggy, " food and vitamins, drugs for that matter, can't heal you unless you make the mindful decision, the clear intention, that they will and can heal you."

"I know, I know, I know I'm in power, i just feel sort of (all off) right now."

We talk about her her brother.
They're at war over who (has the right) to their mother's (fancy dining room set).
Her mother left it to her brother but he didn't want it so Peggy took it and has had used it for the last few years.
Now her brother wants it back. Peggy says it's hers now. He's irate.

"hmm..." I offer ambiguously.

"it's not about the furniture, it's about my brother, if he'd at least sit down and talk to me about it."

We talk about MY family.

I talk about my mother, who, this afternoon, became crazed and used offensive language with my father's nurses at the hospital in Cape Cod.

My mother ...

(this is like a bad film gimmick in a movie- you'd think this would never happen - a ridiculous plot device)

My mother called me on her cell phone, forgot she was calling me, began a long and terrible altercation with theses nurses, and the whole argument was left for me as a recording on my i-phone.

I was kind of appalled.

I called my sister.
She suggested I call the nurse and apologize for my mother's language (not her sentiment) just the language, on behalf of my family.

So I did.

The nurse said it was very kind of me to call, and that they are aware that my mother is very angry with them, that they are trying to take care of my father AND my mother.

I felt duplicitous going behind my mother's back, but her choice of words was so shocking. I had to do something.

After discussing all of that with Peggy, I go for a swim in my building.

When I come back,

Peggy sleeps on the convertible sofa in the living room and I go to my own bed (that i have wheeled into a diagonal position in my bedroom) and fall to an intense night of sleep.

In the morning Peggy brings me coffee in bed.

(She's so funny, so oddly decadent. She brings the coffee Urn, the carton of milk and the coffee cup to my bed. She spills a little milk on the floor. It doesn't bother me. She leaves the carton of milk on a stack of papers on my desk.)

She gets a call on her cellphone. While she is on the phone, I ask her to get my camera. I take pictures of her, while I lie in bed with my coffee, as she paces with her cell phone at the end of my bed.

After her call,

we talk about this concept (this concept that is out there in all religions and philosophies) this concept of the need for the dark side. If you feel uncomfortable with an idea or a person, often this is the very thing that is important to us, something we need to be ourselves. Something we need to examine.

"To grow!" I suggest.

"Not even to grow" says Peggy, "to just be who we are."

(I guess I'm thinking of this pamphlet on buddhism I read the other morning.
Things that bother us are clues to (who we are) and (where we might change).
Difficult things are needed in life, to guide us.

We talk about this blog. She wants to read it.

I tell her ...

"I'm ambivalent about people reading it. Like my actor side, I enjoy performing for a large anonymous audience, but when I perform/ write for a few people that I am aware of, I clam up. Plus it's a downer. Julie Powell blogged about cooking. I mean this, this stuff I write about isn't so uplifting. It's more of a car wreck, you can't help but stare."

Peggy (always argumentative, always counter-pointing) says that

"the car wreck thing is all in your head.
People like feeling connected, like feeling connected to you, that's all it is."

And she instructs,

"that maybe your blog shouldn't be so focused on the "issue". It could be a daily blog of whatever. Even it out.
I'm not saying you should avoid it, but it doesn't have to be all about that alone.

"Hmm... makes me think of Christopher Isherwood."

"Yes, a writer's journal."

"I have one of his journals on my shelves."

Peggy wanders over to the bookcase and ogles the binding.

"You know I met him and his boyfriend Don Bacardi in LA.
Don drew sketches of me.
When they picked me up to take me to their studio, Christopher Isherwood lay down on the back seat."

"That's weird."

"Yeah, because, apparently Isherwood couldn't stand how Don drove a car (who was like 30 years younger) so Isherwood's therapist suggested that he just lie down in the back of the car. End of problem."

"What was Isherwood like?"

"I only met them that once."

"Oh."

After more coffee,
Peggy is ready to leave.

"Do you have you wallet, your keys, your cellphone?"

"Yes."

I go back to the paper as she gathers things.

"Can you uh, can you call me with your cellphone?"

I call her and in a few moments her cellphone is located.

"Okay kiddo, great to see you."

I sit in a chair as she leans over wearing her newly ironed shirt, holding the jar of flowers for Anita, her bag and her keys in hand, and we peck a kiss goodbye and she leaves.

A few moments later, there is a knock on my door.
I ascend from my chair and Herman Monster walk to the front door.

Peggy glides back in and grabs her travel mug of coffee from the counter.

"So sorry about that"

"no problem"

"bye."

* Months later I rent the movie "Chris and Don" and  I see Peggy's portrait hanging on  a wall near the end of the documentary.

energy

I go to the movies.
I zoom up to the Chelsea Cinema from the West Village on my new electronic bike.
I spend a lazy Sunday afternoon in anticipation of the movie.

I lock my new bike up right in front of the theatre on 23rd Street.
I am wary to leave it behind. It seems so risky. But this is the new Manhattan.
The safe suburban Manhattan. I join in the faith with the rest of the New York City mall population and just lock it up,
shiny, new, and expensive, and disappear into the Cineplex.

But I worry.

And as I worry, I stagger, I do my palsy walk to the ticket machine.
I buy a small pop corn and small diet coke.
I ask the woman behind the counter (like a crazy person... I am too familiar,
I ask the pop corn attendant if my bike will be safe locked up outside. (Like she would know?)
The young woman is poite and takes pity on me. (Did she see me stumble up to the counter?)

"I think it will be okay, every day I come to work, there are lots of bikes locked up out there and no one steals them."

"Really? I reply, (like this is news, like her answer is so interesting I might just stick around and ask a few more questions.

Which night is the most popular night for the movies?

Do you eat pop corn every day?

Do you see all the movies that come through?

Did you know that I used to work at a movie theatre?

Questions like that.

(Once I land, I am reluctant to move to the next place. This brings out my crazy weird (too familiar) personality)

The woman taking tickets asks me if I need help (or) How am I doing tonight.
Does she also notice my handicapped walk?

My walk brings outs a sort of meekness in me. I have this expression of "don't worry about me!
All is well with me! You go ahead of me, I'm not getting anywhere too fast! HA HA. Doop dee doop dee doo!

I put down my popcorn and coke and stumble back to the entrance to check on my bike.
Still there. Another bike joined mine at the bus stop pole. That's a good sign.

If my bike is stolen, I'll to buy a new one. Tomorrow. (I tell myself)

My theatre in on the third floor.
I take the escalator.

On the third floor, my theatre is far away. It is miles away (for me).
I stumble, I sweat, I am determined, my brow furrowed, my eyes angry.

The theatre is full.
Plenty seats down front, but nothing center or in the back.

There is one empty right near me, second in from the aisle. The last row. This would be perfect.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

The nice looking dude on the aisle looks over to the next people down the row.

"um... yeah, I think it's taken. Some one's sitting here right? -

"Yeah, some one's sitting there, she's in the bathroom."

- "oh. Okay. Thanks."

Sh*t. F*ck.

I have to walk down the long slope of the aisle, to the front of the movie theatre without a rail, holding popcorn and a diet coke in each hand.

(My mind flashes to how I felt about this situation before this terrible disease. I was bold about walking in front of the New York movie crowd. I relished it. A little bit of my essence, my vulnerable soul, being exposed to an audience for a six count.
It's like flashing or streaking!

Now (however) I imagine an episode where I will fall, I coming crashing down, a small crowd gathers. I will be lifted up by two men. I'll explain,

"I have this weakness, I'm so sorry. I'm fine. Sorry about the popcorn. No, I'm alright. Thank you so much, NO, I'm fine!"

So I stare down the aisle and concentrate. If one person brushes against me, it's over.
I will topple over.

I sweat with concentration.

My walk is pathetic, awkward, jumbled. I stare only at my feet. Delliberate, broken, odd.

I make it. I fall into my seat.
My pants are falling down. I have lost so much mass in my lower body that none of my pants fit.

I hike up my pants, plant my soda in the appropriate receptacle and chew down my popcorn. I did it. I got here.

(I eat mindlessly)

The movie is a great little escape. The Chelsea audience is eating it up.
Sometimes I'm uncomfortable because I am reminded of my vulnerable bike outside.

At the end of the movie. I make my way to the escalator. The down side isn't working. I stand there and stare down the three flights of stairs. The crowd passes me as I lean on the railing. I catch snippets of conversations. I stare at groupings of people. I am often alone. Staring at other subsets of people.

People are annoyed that the escalator doesn't work. This surprises me. I never took the escalator. I enjoyed climbing stairs and working my gluts.

But now I see that even for a perfectly healthy person, one needs to save energy.
By saving energy walking down three flights of stairs, one might have more energy to read a book later or put away the dishes.

I take the elevator down with a man with a cane.

Outside, my bike is waiting for me (this is the new New York). I turn the key and motor home.

* I forgot to add the movie I saw was Julie & Julia. My co-actor Miss Piper was in it, as was an old friend's brother, Steve.
Also, I used to do spots with Stanley Tucci for AT&T. He does the announce. I did goofy characters. Once, however, I replaced him on the announce.

All of this is to say, I matter, I am important.

Okay? People?

SEPTEMBER

I spend the day cleaning, doing laundry, and putting away groceries.
Siska (my cleaning partner) arrives at 5 to assist. She vacuums, cleans the floors, the tub.
She cleans the glass on my pictures, like a real cleaning professional.

She rearranges things in my kitchen cabinets.
She puts things back for me.
She picks things off the floor for me.

By 8 o'clock, my apartment is so clean and tidy, it's a joy.

After a dip in the pool (my apartment building has a swimming pool on the third floor)

Perched at my kitchen counter, I steam mussels and watch old TV shows on my laptop.
I spill hot butter on the newly washed floor.
The hot butter will have to wait to be cleaned up until Siska's next visit.

Later I watch a dvd of TO BE OR NOT TO BE.
Mel Brooks, Ann Bancroft.
So refreshing, so funny, I catch a reflection of myself on my laptop, grinning.

I love the film quality and the art direction, seem so wonderfully dated (it was only 1983).
There is a purity and simplicity to his work.
I admire Mel Brooks for his unstoppable vision.

After the movie, I sleep well.

But in the morning my hips and legs throb. They don't work as well as they did yesterday.
I was on my feet too much. When I work my legs too much, I actually cause them damage.

It seems like a big jump from one day to the next. Noticeable.

(Oh. So this is how it goes)

I shower and instead of dressing I fall back into my couch.

I can't get off the couch.
I stare at my laptop.
I read email.

I contacted someone on Craig's List (late last night) about an apartment swap.
Paris for New York, one week in September.
He responds with photos and possible dates.

(I wonder if I'll be able to walk in September)

I will.

central park

Social Security

I spend three hours with a case worker at Social Security this morning.

G-d Don't Make No Junk

I bike to 10th church on Wooster on my new, super-cool, electronic bike.
Before church, I have my traditional slice of pizza at Ben's on Spring and Thompson.

Setterly and Jonathan are the greeters at church tonight.
I am happy to see them. I am relieved to see them. I laugh with them. Genuinely.
They are great people.
I will miss them if I leave New York. (I think during the service later)

After Church, it's warm and humid, but it's a wonderful August night.
The expectations of what the summer might be, are gone, we are in it, summer is here.

Setterly and I lean against a parked cab, our feet unsteady on the cobble stones.
Setterly is tall and warm with a good a sense of humor and the voice of a clarinet.
I like her.

"Hey, I met another Charlie today."

"What?"

"Yup, another Charlie"

"That's not right."

"Apparently, there are lots of Charlies out there. Maybe this Charlie was ying, an impostor."

I gently goad Setterly into taking a spin on my new bike.
She's game, having driven a Harley in another life.

I adjust the seat for her and She rides the bike down the block.

She can't get it to work.

"PULL BACK ON THE THROTTLE, THE RIGHT HANDLE BAR!"

"GOT IT! OH MY GOSH, SO COOL!"

There's a movie being shot. A big crew, lights, trailers.
A young beautiful PA begs us to be quiet, in that intense passive aggressive way that cant help but get under your skin (just a little).

Film crews in the city often make me cranky with envy. Through the years, I've surrendered to them. Just another small frustration of city life.

As she makes a sharp turn at the end of the block, my bags falls off the back of the bike. When she returns (breathless and excited) I tell her I should go get my bag. She realizes what has happened, she doesn't miss a beat, and jogs down to the end of the street to retrieve my bag.

"Whatda got in here? an andiron?

- "it's my bike lock, it weighs a ton."

" You lock this thing up just like a regular bike? ... Huh.
So, that was fun, but why, uh, why a motorized bike?"

I reluctantly spell out the sad clues to my terrible disease without actually naming it. Never naming it. And she doesn't ask.
I forlornly explain that my muscles could be weakened if I work them too hard.

Then Setterly adds,

"for now."

And I love her for that.

"Don't be mesmerized by what they tell you. Do not give credence to a disease that doesn't exist.
It is error. As my teacher told me, it's not even about healing, there is nothing to heal,
because there is nothing wrong with you. You are fine.

We are a reflection of G-d.
G-d intended us to joyous exalted beings. We reflect his image."

I tell her its all very confusing, dealing with doctors, coming to church.
I feel doomed when I speak to anyone in the medical world.

I tell her I'd like to work with a practitioner but I'm on medication.
A well known practitioner told me he couldn't work with me if I was on medication.
He was nice about it, I understood.

"You know Charlie, there ARE practitioners that will heal people who are on medication.
That medication can't harm you or your healing because it is mindless material, it is powerless.
I can give you a few names. Do want some names?

You know what, call me.
Call me. Let me give you my card, did I give you my card before?"

(she did, but I took this second card anyway, I love cards for some reason)

"We've got to hang out, you and me, you're going to be my new (go to) friend, my new (hang out) buddy.
Let's hang out, lets go to a movie."

I tell her I will, I'l call her. (and I just might).

She ends our (heart to heart) our (one on one) by suggesting I read the weekly Christian Science lesson.

"I read it every day, it makes such a difference, it really does, even if you just read a paragraph.
And take a look at the 139th psalm. And remember, G-d don't make no junk."

Something my friend Norman used to tell me.
These kind of spiritual slogans were categorically absent from my Connecticut suburban upbringing.

I say goodbye to Setterly, promising to call her, and she walks north toward Broome.

I am alone with the movie crew.

I straddle my bike and check my messages. With my cellphone and mo-ped on the cobble stone street, I feel like I might be Turin or Milan.

Oh no.

My sister has left a message about Mom. She decided to tell Mom about Uncle Winslow's passing tonight (rather than this weekend) and my mother broke down. My mother is in shock. She tells me to please call mom.

I try call her, but the answering machine picks up. So I leave a message saying that I'll call tomorrow bright and early.

I sit on my bike. I am still. My face is plain with just the slightest hint of sadness, of resignation. I solemnly stare at nothing in particular, as if by being still, by being plain and unemotional, I just might realize that all of this, these recent events, is a long and difficult day dream, not my reality, not my future. By underplaying the seriousness, I will be rewarded (somehow).

And my life feels so complex that I can't begin to untie it. If it had been just one thing, I would be crouched on my electronic bike crying, sobbing. But with (so much) at one time, I almost feel,

nothing.

I power up my bike and zoom through lower Manhattan, zig zagging in the tiny charm of the west village, past dog walkers and Wednesday night partiers, through the bacchanal of the meat packing district, and finally throttling at full speed up empty tenth avenue to midtown. And with no traffic, the wind catching my shirt, I am a movie star, I am Brad Pitt racing up Manhattan on my shiny new toy, and I feel awesome.

Psalm 139 (New King James Version)

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
3 You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
5 You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

19 Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
20 For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O LORD, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
24 And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

DISCOVER

Yesterday is about bills and paperwork.
I hate it.

I gather mounds of paperwork, bills, stamps, folding files, brochures, my laptop and my kitchen trash can in my bedroom,
to bait myself into paying, placing, filing, and calling. With added insurance bills, folders on health care, booklets on living wills, a care giver's guide (for me)... it's just awful.

I try to to set up bill pay (on line). Con-ed's webpage doesn't believe it is actually me that is signing up. According to them, I have the wrong personal details. I need to print something out and send it to them to prove it is me.

My printer is broken. It won't work with my new operating system, my new laptop, so I give up. I let go of that little dream.

None of these web sign in applications actually work consistently. I have been signing up for disability online.
They give you a code number so that you can return to your application whenever you like.
The code doesn't work when I go back to it. I took a picture of it. They don't recognize it.
It is discouraging. I start over.

I open my Discover card bill.

The Discover card quietly upped my interest to 30% without notifying me ( I notice, my blood racing).

I call them. The representative responds (without missing a beat)

"Oh, no problem, I can reduce that to 20%".

Discover makes a profit from people who don't carefully look at their bills.
This is cynical and un-american.

"No thanks (say I) I will simply pay off the balance, and let my card go dormant.

(FOREVER)

Canceling is a ding on your credit.

"and hey you, you on the phone, I know you need to make a living, somewhere, somehow... but you work for a dishonest company, and you are carrying out their dishonest practices and this may harm you in life (in the greater scheme of things) something to think about to consider, so ... so best of luck to you!"

(I really did say something like that)

I check my bank balance online.
I've ordered a slipcover for my tattered sofa.
Pottery Barn has billed my twice.
I sit on the phone with Pottery Barn and my bank going through last transactions and answering pre-setup questions about myself (mother's maiden name) to prove it is me.

When dealing with this kind of thing, one needs to be carried by the current and not fight, or you will drown.
One needs relax and not react.
According to Kaballah, each time you react, you are closer to death.

I take a break.

I go for a swim. I go at 7 in the evening and there are happy kids in the pool with parents. My building feels communal and nice.

When I get back from my swim, Jackie (my neighbor, my sitcom neighbor) has left me pasta with clam sauce and a refreshing summer salad on my kitchen counter. Jackie is Italian and knows how to cook pasta perfectly. It is delicious. I text her "thnx".

I check messages.

My cousin Winslow called.
My uncle, Winslow senior, has died this morning.

(I just had lunch with him at the Ritz in Naples a year and a half ago)

Old age is a slippery slope. When my aunt died, Uncle Winslow quickly followed.

I call my cousin back.

I sit on my tattered couch in the almost dark and have a formal conversation with Winslow on my iphone.
Winslow (my age) is a highly paid executive and speaks in complete sentences, declamatory sentences, like he's running a conference call. He uses my name in the middle of every sentence.

His approach makes me defended. But he is doing the best he can. This is the way he has learned to communicate. He is a good cousin to me and I am jealous of his restored Arts and Crafts home, two vacation homes, and million dollar salary.

I am sad for uncle, but he was lost without my Aunt.

I didn't know him well. But I'm glad he was my uncle.
He was an admirable man, tall and handsomely American, president of the bank, a regular guy, a direct descendant of the May Flower. When he married my aunt, they discovered that thery were actually very distant cousins. (odd)

There was conflict between my parents and my aunt and uncle.
My aunt had their parents' 1920's large Adirondack style summer home on many acres looking over Lake Michigan, secretly deeded to her (without my father's knowledge). I guess my father was hurt, but my mother was enraged.

it could be argued that it made sense, my father (permanently on the east coast) simply wasn't around.
Still, some discussion was required. I guess they didn't talk much in that family.

I don't know or understand any of that. I'll never know what went on.
But I WILL miss seeing my uncle.

PINOCCHIO

FACEBOOK:

ELLIOTT:
So.. photo of new wheels please
Yesterday at 6:08pm · Comment · Like · See Wall-to-Wall

CHARLIEROBERTS:
complications
Yesterday at 8:56pm · Delete

ELLIOTT:
How so?
3 hours ago · Delete

CHARLIEROBERTS:
The bike shorted out three times after i bought it,
I returned it and he's looking at it.
It is something to do with not knowing when a new battery is fully charged?

I got stuck in the middle of Central Park. Ugh....
He's going to call me today after much testing.
29 minutes ago · Delete


__________________________________________________________________________


Saturday afternoon, I cab to a bike store on the upper east side that specializes in electronic bikes. It is the only store in Manhattan that sells them.

Whenever I push hard with my feet and legs, that is peddle so hard that I use all of my strength, I am weakening my legs.
This has been happening more and more.


So I stopped riding my bike. I've been taking cabs which I really hate. I get no pleasure out of rollicking around in traffic, clogging up the roads, the cab driver's dismal mood, the fishing through the wallet for the appropriate tip.
All of this brings me down.

So I'll buy an electric bike.

These bikes can both be peddled and also have a throttle which allows them to go up to 20 miles an hour.
Their batteries can sustain a ride of twenty miles before having to be recharged.

This is also (apparently) how my OWN muscle power works. I can move about and walk. But I need a day to restore after too much sustained movement. My muscles (like the lithium bicycle battery) need to be recharged.

On Saturday afternoon, I cab to York and east 84th. (cab ride about $17)

I kind of like it over there. The neighborhood feels like Manhattan circa 1985, the hoopla of building and over population hasn't found it's way there (yet). Its tree lined streets with sleepy (kind of fancy) apartment buildings, elegant townhouses, boring delis and dated Chinese restaurants, bring to mind the remote, old family, elite New York. The New York in Woody Allen movies.

This bike store on York and 84th is crowded with gorgeous folding bicycles, electronic bikes, and motorized scooters for budding movie stars.

TOYS!

Everyone should indulge in these adult toys.


I try out 5 bikes.

I zoom around the east-side neighborhood. Because it looks like you're riding a simple bicycle, and because the battery is silent, it feels like your cheating, or you're pulling off an elaborate magic trick for the neighborhood... Or you're an actor in a movie, a movie that requires you to ride a bike, but you're a weak peddler or you have a star-sized ego that dictates you not exhaust your legs peddling all day, so the props department has rigged up a bike for you to make it appear that you are vigoursly biking, but in actuality, your legs are flacidly spinning, allowing you to delight in the sunshine and leafy neighborhood.


On returning from one test drive, I meet two dudes that are electric bike fans.
These are thirty-ish men who carry themselves like nerdy outsiders in junior high.
They both own electric bikes, they have come back to this shop to take advantage of test driving OTHER electric bikes.

These guys are nerds (but are also real guys). I feel the need to be accepted by them and to make sure they don't find out that (although I am a nerd too) I am a fey complicated nerd with no real interest in electric bikes. I am here out of necessity.

I am Pinocchio meeting two odd characters that are going to whisk me off to an adventure that will get me into trouble.
If I hang around with them, try to get on their good side, I will be turned into a donkey.

The last bike I try, one of my new friends insists that I try,
"Dude, you won't be disappointed"
the last one I try, is a hot sexy muscular toy that Brad Pitt might tool around in, on the back lot of Paramount.

__________________________________________

I decide after lengthy cellphone conversations with Elliott to get the big stable (white) more lady like one.

It's called "The Elegant".

______________________________________________


On Monday I go back and buy it. After a little lecture on its workings, after laying out my American Express card, after the salesman Burt, patting me on the back, and sending me on my way with a paper bag full of tools and a bike map of New York City, the "Elegant" breaks down three times within one hour.

Jondon picks me up in his SUV at 97th and Central Park and we return the bike to the shop at east 84th and York.