FERRY TO OAK BLUFFS

Martha's Vineyard
Originally uploaded by Charlie Roberts

voice

I get residuals today, for AT&T, Verizon, and Pizza Hut.
(My old voice) is still out there, in the ether.

Message from Utah

Hi Chuck,

You know, your voice has always sounded fine to me, even when tired. I hear you, not your voice. You are well and strong and true!! I like the Aroo and Kite photos, and I remember that Black cat you made unferal. Was his name Tom?

The image of you and CAR and Kite biking down to Soho and on the boat is very clear and timeless in my imagination.

I think you should have your book sent out to editors. Might as well make some money and be a little wined and dined. It isn't so much a blog as it is a book since it is not shared with the masses, so go ahead and share it in print on paper and be famous now as Charlie Roberts. Or just reveal yourself and in so doing, heal thyself. Like Jesus. In the light.

Love,

Merril

craniosacral

Hi Mattie,

I liked my craniosacral therapy yesterday.
Gabe is named for Gabriel the Angel, so ... that's a good sign, right?

That space on 30th and Sixth, that studio at Backbone and Wingspan, was so peaceful, so fengshui'd.
I'd love to live in an environment like that. All white and communal, a big open space, organic and scrubbed wood...cubby holes for shoes.

And Gabe was good. A bit uptight at first, but he delivered.
I imagine you have to have pretty strong hands to do it well.

It is expensive (however).

Still, Gabe was good for my hope quotient.
He prayed (sort of) before we started.
He found all of my difficult areas.
My skull is pretty tight (he told me).

At one point, I wanted to make a noise, (or cry or something). Maybe because he suggested that I it could get emotional.

One hand position was such a relief to my lower back I wanted to call out "I love you!" Maybe I should have. Let it ALL out.

After the session, (sixty minutes)
He talked about this book "The Teaching of Abraham" by Ester and Jerry Hicks.
I talked a little about Christian Science and the power to heal through divine love.
We talked about the power of intention, that like attracts like.
We talked about the brain being the most powerful organ of the body. A handful of cells can truly be powerful.

"If it went in one direction, it could go in another direction." he said. That was good to hear.

I tell him about Mind Science.

And this is a section of the book I was trying to relate to him.

"By making use of our subjective mind,
we, so to speak, create a nucleus, which is no sooner created than it begins to exercise
an attractive force,
drawing to itself material, of a like character with its own, and IF this process is allowed to go on undisturbed, it will continue until an external form corresponding to the nature of the nucleus comes out into manifestation on the plane of the objective and relative.

This is the universal method of Nature on every plane.

Some of the most advanced thinkers in modern physical science, in the endeavor to probe the great mystery of the first origin of the world, have postulated the formation of what they call "vortex rings " formed from an infinitely fine primordial substance.

They tell us that if such a ring, be once formed on the minutest scale and set rotating, then, since it would be moving in pure ether and subject to no friction, it must according to all known laws of physics be indestructible and its motion perpetual. Let two such rings approach each other, and by the law of attraction, they would coalesce into a whole, and so until manifested matter as we apprehend it with our external senses is at last formed."

This is from Thomas Troward's book.
My friend Peggy gave it to me.

Despite our positive rap, Gabe appeared slightly unnerved about my issue. Maybe I was imagining that? (maybe)

I feel like I need momentum to turn this around. A therapy session every day!
Organic food, organic sheets, healing colors on my walls!
Air cleaners and (little healthy green plants) to remind me, (to persuade me) to subconciously guide me, to health.

Aromatherapy and a solid supply of bath salts!

My Hollywood fantasy. A fortyish Harrison Ford.
A SOHO loft. A funny dog that makes faces when Harriosn falls in his apartment.
In the end he's jogging through Central Park.
The slow clap.

Charlie

BRUNO is a snore

After lunch, I taxi to my dentist on West 69th and Broadway.
Until I get an electric bike, cycling is out.
My lower back and hips ache.

The ride there is easy, no traffic, sunshine, green lights.
$8.00 with tip.

The city has that summer feeling. Everyone has left the city.

My visit to the dentist is too short.
I arrive early, wait ten minutes, and am then summoned to the dentist chair where my lady dentist is busy prepping my mouth guard. The dentist, her assistant and I are comfortable together. We are all friends now. It feels nice. And, THIS visit offers no fear. I am here to accept my reward... my dental guard.

It fits! and I am done. I am free to leave.

But I am at a loss. I've travelled all this way. I'm not ready to go.

I look to the attractive dental assistant I had flirted with the last time.

"Well, that was easy..." (I guess I should stand up. Stand up, get up and go)

The pretty assistantl looks at me with cautious curiosity - (you're that guy with the disease- I'm supposed to be careful and extra kind to you-) her face reads.

" Well then, I'm off I guess. So... so, so have a wonderful day!"

I throw my legs out of the dentist chair. My legs swing together like I have polio. I love the drama of this thing.
I am a hero. Look how brave I am!

(Somewhere in my skull, I feel like (like at any moment) I could drop this whole charade, like it's an affectation. I actually feel like that.)

On the elevator ride down I get a text message from my sister.

"DO YOU HAVE DAD'S PHONE NUMBER AT REHAB?" (which means ... why haven't you called Dad?)

- "NO" I lie. I falsely text back.

And then immediately find his number on my iphone and push the dial button as I slide along the wall the of the lobby at 1995 Broadway. There is a decorative runner along the wall ( a rail?) which is really pretty useless to most of the population but which I find comforting and helpful.

- "Dad?"

- "Is that Charlie?"

- "Yes, HI Dad!"

My Dad's voice is strong, clear, deep, young.
My voice is high, garbled, weak, old.

My Dad speaks in full sentences. He hasn't had a drink in two weeks. This gives his voice a new sober sound.

And, his voice cuts through me like a shot of Bourbon. I love my father. My father is difficult (for me). My father and I are cut from much of the same cloth.
I want to make sure my father feels loved and is happy. However, my role (as the son) is to keep my distance. We talk about cameras and bikes.


- "How are you?" Dad asks.

- "I'm great, everything is great."

- "Are you?"

- "Yeah... how are YOU?"

- " Well, I'm not doing so well..."

- "No?"

- "No, I don't feel very good. I threw up a couple of times this morning. My throat hurts, it's soar."

- "Well, you sound really good." And he did. He sounded clear and 20 years younger than he normally sounds.

- "Well, your mother just left, you missed your mother, she just left to play gulf."

- "It's a beautiful day for gulf"

- "Yes, it is. It's a very nice day.

- "So when are you we going to see you? When are you coming up?"

- "I think, I'll be up Thursday."

- "How will you get up here?"

- "I think I'll take the train, Amtrak from Penn Station, and then the bus to Falmouth.
The only problem of course is Penn Station. It's such a mess down there.
And the way that they call out your (that your gate) is open, and everyone rushes, and... its' just awful."

-"Well, that's right... it is."

" so.. I'll be seeing you in a couple days..."

- "good."

"have you been reading? Do you have your laptop?"

"you mean that laptop that nearly killed me?"

"um, yeah, well that one or your old one, do they have wifi there at the hospital, maybe you can go online and read the news."

"huh... that's a good idea, I'll have to ask, I'll have to ask if they have that, wifi."

"Ask Mom, to bring the laptop over and then see if you can get online."

"huh... I'll do that. That's a pretty good idea."

(My dentist lady passes me in the lobby. On her way to lunch I imagine. She gives me warm crinkly eyed smile. I nod back.
My dentist likes me. We have shared something. There is a trust.)

" Hey Dad, I'm going to get myself an electric bike."

" a moped?"

"No, it looks like a normal bike except you can switch to a motor when you get tired."

"Well, that sounds like a good idea. Where are you going to get it?"

"I don't know.

(pause)

-"How long will you be staying at the hospital?"

- "Well, I guess through July, I guess I'll be home in August."

- " That'll be nice, the Cape is certainly great in August."

"yes, it is."

"Well, Dad I think I should be moving along here."

"Okay Charlie"

"I'll be seeing you in a few days."

"Righto."

"Bye Dad."


And with that I crawl out of the hole of feeling like an old man. I realize that I am not 82. My father is 82. I am a young man.
(a young man that has difficulty stepping on to the sidewalk)

I follow tradition with lunch at "Ollie's". Happy Family Noodle Dish with Egg... $8.

Next, I go to Pottery Barn. The store is crowded with merchandise that will not move.
I buy an indoor out door pillow marked down from $40 to $13 and 4 candles all under $5. These are for my Mother's birthday.

I unsteadily walk across the street to Lowes Lincoln Square Cinema. It takes forever. It takes me two lights to get across.
But I haven't been to a commercial movie in months. Walking through that massive theatre complex takes the same kind of resolve it takes a normal walker to walk five miles along a busy highway. It goes on forever, and stranger after stranger is aware of my odd ball crippled walk.

I see Bruno.

Bruno is a disaster. Bruno is boring. People walk out, because Bruno is so boring.

I cab to an appointment for craniosacral therapy on 30th and 6th. I cab straight through the heart of Times Square.
I think it cost me $13.

Aroo, the cat who thinks he's all that.

LOVE, TRUTH, LIFE

Saturday night,

Mattie comes over to my place for a swim in my apartment building's pool.
We'll swim and do Feldenchrist.
My legs and hips joints feel bad today (burning). My voice and speech are weaker.

I am slipping.

Mattie sees this? She wants to help me (some how).

She'll be driving from New Jersey.

We'll meet in the pool. I alert the guys at the front desk that friend, Mattie will be joining me in the pool. Please give her access.

I wait and as I wait, I paddle around the pool like a dainty lady and talk to the lifeguard. I ask her inane questions.

"You like working here?"

"How 'bout this weather?"

"When does your shift end?"

It is clear from my sloppy questioning that I have nothing pressing this evening (or) that I am avoiding resposibility by filling up my head with puff.

Yes, puff.

And there is Mattie! She comes through the lady's locker room. (off limit to us men)

Like magic, really (I think). How did she ever find a place to park in my neighborhood? She is a magician.

Mattie and I splash around the empty pool with no real commitment.
It's a little awkward. Like the last scene from "THE GRADUATE" on the bus, so much effort for Dustin Hoffman and Katherine Ross to finally get together, so much effort for Mattie to get here, and now only 20 minutes left! And so here we are.
Now what?

Still,
we manage to do some movement exercises in the pool. Twists and breathing. Mindful movement (Mattie calls it)

My body IS happier in the pool. I am a child again. I NEVER want to leave the swimming pool.
I can walk and bend and stretch and sashay pretty easily, in the water.

After toweling down and blow drying my hair (makes my hair behave), Mattie and I meet in the work out area.

I show her how lame my walk is getting. it is Quasi Moto -ish.
When I come to a stand still, I teeter like I'm falling off a log. I have to bend my knees and duck forward like I'm on a boat during high seas.

(I must keep my body and muscles moving and circulating. BUT I must not stress them out too much.
When a normal person puts pressure on their muscles, they get bigger, stronger.
When I put pressure on my muscles they deteriorate.

Rats.

"Wanna come up to my place?"

- "sure!"

Mattie comes up to my place.

It is sparkling clean because Siska (my cleaning person) has just left with her two nieces.
It is the first time I have ever hired someone to help me clean. I clean with her, and we really can make the place shine in 2 hours. It's fun, like we're prepping for a show. Sweeping the stage, hanging the costumes, putting all the props in place.
When it's done, it's show-time!

I wish I had hired a cleaning person before. It's like getting a massage or going out to dinner. It's a great lift.

We sit down to humus and tea.

Something is up.
Mattie has a plan for me. She has been thinking about me. She has been doing research. A little. She is concerned.

She puts an idea on the table.

"Why don't you just assume that you can heal youself. Why don't you assume that you can stop this thing and get better? Why don't you just make this assumption for (maybe-even-for-just) a month (maybe).

I tell her "I feel like I have kind of lost ground. I have begun to give in. I have no hopes, no big ideas. I am just living in the immediate present. It's not a bad feeling. More, kind of like, someone in a blizzard lying down in a snow embankment to go to sleep. "

One problem I am having is getting around. Walking around is taxing. It is tiring, and my brain, my ethos, begins to match my decrepid walk. Putting things away in my apartment, getting up to feed the cat, makes my hip joints ache, my feet throb.

Mattie says she can understand how I would feel this way, BUT, why not try to really make a go of it for a month or so?!

Mattie continues, and I get inspired.

We do a visualization exercise related to chi Gong.
I imagine a the great power of the universe every where, expansive, in between everyone on my cells. Cleaning removing free radicals, energizing my body, my buzzing body healing through the power of this eternal limitless super power.

I grab a pad of paper and take notes like I'm getting notes from a director.

__________________________________________

1. Preserving energy equals preserving mental energy which will allow me to focus and pray and read and meditate.
For this month, be careful about energy. Use my energy to heal.

2. I can heal through, visualization, prayer, church, reading, a personal mantra.

3. Find JOY and let go or avoid anger.

4. Remind myself or become more aware of my purpose. I am not ready to leave, I have a purpose.

5. Prepare for the future, apply to a graduate school of my choosing.

6. Fight FREE RADICALS (black) with ANTI OXYDENTS (white)

7. AVoid the road to nowhere, (the end) if my present purpose is to heal. Make choices that reflect my G-d given health.

8. Look good and feel good.

9. Read and watch and partake in things that are LIFE affirming. LOVE,TRUTH, LIFE.

10. Purchase an electric bike to preserve my strength.

11. Create a disciplined day of MINDFUL MOVEMENT, MEDITATION AND PRAYER, READING, and eating organic wholesome food.

12. Investigate and work with alternative health practitioners, chi Gong, Feldenchist, Maio Facial release, massage, acupuncture,

13. Reconnect with a western doctor.

14. Keep a list but don't become overwhelmed.

___________________________________________________

Mattie and I go into the kitchen and stare at my food and vitamins.

Through the kitchen opening, we can see Aroo (the cat) lying on his back. That cat is so damn happy. It bugs me. I want to say to the cat, "can't you do a few things around here? Shouldn't you be hiding under the bed when I have company? Aren't you still traumatized from your early life on the streets of Brooklyn?"

The cat acts like he knew (when he was just a few weeks old) that he'd be lounging around on an expensive Asian carpet. The cat knew he was destined for the "good life".

(Bugs me). But he DOES lie on my throbbing feet at night (in bed).

Mattie is a rescuer. Mattie rescues cats in New Jersey.
I don't pay her for Feldenchrist and she doesn't have any money. She says this is what friends are for.
She is a healer.

Mattie recently rescued a cat and actually found a home for it. But the new owner (against Mattie's wishes) had the cat declawed. Now the cat won't poop in the litter box. Mattie thinks the cat doesn't like the feel of the kitty litter on it's claw-less paws. The owner returned the now defective cat to Mattie. The cat is now residing inside the box springs of a friend's bed.

Poor cat.

I remember this cat (that another friend of mine) rescued on the upper west side, 15 years ago.
This feral cat ("Tom", Merrill reminds me) lived with me for its short rehabilitation.

The woman who brought me Tom, recently committed suicide, I tell Mattie.
This is upsetting. But actually THIS rescue was successful. And the woman who killed herself might have remembered that she was gifted helping other living creatures.

This cat was a huge, scary piece of hairy muscle with no ears and jowls the size of tennis balls.

At first, he stayed under my desk for a couple of weeks. I never saw him.

When Tom farted, I would have to leave my small apartment.

But during his stay, he magically transformed. He became a domestic house cat.

And after about a month, the cat got it. He caught on. He knew what to do.

He started grooming himself and napping in the sun.
His fur changed and his jowls disappeared. He became happy and secure.

Still no ears, though.

After this Pygmalion transformation, he was flown to an apartment in San Francisco and lived blissfully for another 10 or 12 years.

Tom's life possible through the power of LOVE, TRUTH, LIFE.