INSURANCE MESS

I spent yesterday ordering the bills by postage date, date of service, and money owed.

Today I color coded and made a chart repeats.

I called SAG. They told me I owed an amount that doesn't match any of the amounts on the bills.

They told me that they held up paying out any amount of money because they were waiting for a letter from my doctor at Columbia as to the nature of the problem. Columbia delayed the letter but did not delay billing me. So I have a pile of bills and four "I must insist that you pay now!" from a collection agency.

I called Columbia. They told me I didn't really owe anything, not much anyway.

I called the collection Agency. The collector, Diane, is gone through mid July on vacation.

This is a huge mess.

Wrong numbers, misinformation.
One operator at Columbia Presbyterian gave me the phone number to Goldman Sachs (twice).

I finally reached a nice woman in "Patient Finance". Her name was Evalia.
She told me the amount that SAG Blue Card PPO told me I owed, was wrong.
Columbia has not received anything from my insurance.
(What?)
She told me she would call off the collection agency (my credit rating won't be affected at this time) and to throw out most of the bills because they are all wrong. These bills are pink and blue.
They had been sending them to the wrong place (or something). We're going to talk again next Friday.
She liked me. I think my weak voice elicits sympathy.

Also, she told me,

Some of my payments go to doctors that have nothing to do with Columbia's billing department (for some reason).
They have their own billing. These bills are blue and white.
So I have to call them individually and make sure they are sending to the correct insurance address.
There are about five of them.

I shall obtain a note book (a dickensian ledger!) a tall brittle stool, a fountain pen with a nib, a banker's visor, and I shall add and subtract figures from the wad of invoices and bills (for chunks of time) every few days. At my leisure.

(Props & costumes help).

MIRACLE HEALING

"Father Emil Kapaun gave glory to God by following his call to the priesthood and thus serving the people of Kansas and those in the military," the prayer says. "Father Kapaun, I ask you intercession not only for Chase Kear... but that I too may follow your example of service to God and my neighbor. For the gifts of courage in battle and perseverance of faith, we give you thanks oh Lord."

http://www.kansas.com/news/story/861812.html?story_link=email_msg

LIGHT

A film writer emailed me to tell me he has written a part for me in his next film. A small one.

THOM GUNN

The Road Map

If I saw you liked that dull unhappy boy
and let you be, and did not react
to see you driving off together
to the country on Sundays
........................................ it was
to make your position indefensible
and, that established,
must not my own lack of blame
survive, copious?
(How can you answer back? You were in the wrong.)

I teased a schoolmaster when I was twelve
until his accumulated rage
was out of proportion to the offence.
My emotions drew up a road map.

Now my mind catches up and looks back.

And wreckages of trust litter the route
each an offence against me.
I gaze back
.................in hardened innocence.

Apartment 916

And so I sit on the couch in my boxers. I sit daily. My new job.

At night, I sleep forever.

In the morning, I get up, gamble a walk to the kitchen, make my daily cup of coffee. Each morning is a test to see if I can pick up the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal left outside my front door. It becomes more and more of a challenge. As I struggle to pick it up, my mind observes my old man struggle with a younger man's distance (my mind and body are no longer simpatico) "surely this is not so hard, it's a newspaper on the floor, pick it up! Will I fall? Will my legs give out? The mind dictates the body - but I am told to listen to my body, to pay heed to what my body is slowly revealing, this is the opposite of how I normally run things. Am I making this up for my TV Movie of the Week? Am I leaning into the tragedy? Do I imagine an audience watching my with pity? Am I writing my teleplay or screenplay?

I stagger to the couch. I fall back into the couch. I sit on the couch (feels so good on my bony ass and scraped away thighs and hips. I sit on the couch and I try to distract myself on the web, or by reading the arts sections in the Times, or checking my flickr account, or by reading facebook (Rob P. just bought a mini cooper and is mad at his bossy wife but his daughter is going to be a pop star- watch this clip)

(I will hide Rob)

My legs ache, my hips ache. This is a bad dream. (Until later when I am out and about and it doesn't exist)

So odd that it rains daily. I like it. I can count on it. No need for sunblock or sunglasses. The cool air feels familiar. Like I picked the wrong week to rent a house on Cape Cod or go camping in Maine, but I'm on vacation damn it, so I'll make the best of it.

It makes my prefab, unnatural New York apartment feel earthy and green. The cool wet air, the dark clouds hanging languorously peeking through my metal blinds. You are included in nature, in the natural order of things (the clouds and cool sea air tell me) even in your pat apartment that normally blocks all the smells and senses of earth and the natural order of the day, the cool earthy rainy air is present on twelfth avenue and 42nd street, nine stories up, in apartment 916.

NO ERRORS

New York is not the same city.

I locked up my bike on the corner of 14th and 8th Avenue for three days and two nights.

I cabbed back tonight expecting to see it cannibalized, a wheel missing or the handle bars gone.

But there it was, untouched, like I'd left it locked up at the school yard or the local YMCA.

Christian Scientists would say that it was there because our world reflects G-d's world, and with G-d there are no errors.

MALBEC

Susan, thank you for a lovely Sunday dinner.
Next time I'll host.

I'd been cooped up at home so it was nice to get out.

I love sitting on your patio in your garden.

I got home fine.
I'm watching a dvd of Australia and petting the cat.

xo

Charlie

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Charlie

I loved reading your blog. You are a good writer! You have a wonderful voice in your writing, honest, thoughtful, warm, brave and witty.
Like you.

Listen, another thought about the name and number I gave you. One thing you could find out about from this lady is services that might help you. So you may want to find out about those or have someone else find out, and I don't think you have to alter your decision about this "issue". Just a thought.

Also, how do I get to log on to your blog? Can you make me a friend with my aol address? Or should I join gmail? I really would like to follow.

Is Australia good? Is Aroo purring like a madman?

It was so great to see you. Thanks for coming all the way north. Next meeting: your house. When?

Okay, I'll shut up now.

nighty night. big hug.

Ms.Susan Maramalbec

___________________________________________________

Susan,

I open and close my blog. I want to chronicle? but I feel exposed.
The best writing is the most vulnerable but I am unsure of myself so I don't want to be exposed.

Good writing is more exposing than naked acting.
Funny that.

Given my present situation, I will write, because I like to make things.
So... I'll make a play, or a story, or a blog.

I'm trying to win a bike on a website.
http://www.inhabitat.com/2009/06/15/pimp-my-eco-ride-win-a-strida-sx-limited-folding-bike/

My entry is near the bottom.

Charlie

FOLLOW ME

Thursday night, I bike to the MOMA to see BUNNY LAKE IS MISSING. The film was directed by Otto Preminger in the '60s.
(I briefly met his daughter (or grand daughter?) on Fire Island last summer. I took her photograph on a pier with some friends. I should post THAT picture.

BUNNY LAKE IS MISSING is a creepy suspense thriller in the same world as Psycho and What Ever Happened to Baby Jane.
The film is in black and white, the editing is arty and slow. They spent money (back then) on interesting art/commercial films.

The performances are deliberate and large. Lawrence Olivier working away showing how smart and talented he is. Keir Dullea (at first) so cleverly awkward, I thought he was giving a bad performance.

I love those plinking piano or organ-harpsichord sounds introduced as the film gets creepier. So... of that era. Also used in the Stepford Wives, if I remember correctly.

Then on...

Saturday Night I took myself to another film, a documentary, "The Wind Mill Movie" at the Film Forum.

A documentary about a wealthy, Harvard educated, filmmaker and teacher attempting to make an autobiographical documentary. We follow him through the lush protected Hamptons, the SOHO of the 70's and 80's, various exotic countries. Some of the photography is gorgeous (the tanning women of the Hamptons, the nubile girls of Boston) ... worth the price of a ticket. The narrative kept my attention, but like the filmmaker himself, I wasn't sure how his story added up. We only saw one of his films. He was an important filmmaker but this aspects wasn't really emphasized (to me). He came off as a lying and spoiled artist adrift (at times). He made 16 documentaries?

Even so, his personal story is worth following.

But what I related to (in myself) and to other films like this one (TARNATION for example) is...

what is Dick Rogers (the filmmaker) trying to keep, to hold, to experience, by turning the camera on himself?
What did he gain? And what did he lose? I mean, not everyone does this. Is it a decent way to lead your life?
How much are you in your life if you are continually filming it?

(I wonder... truly thinking about myself)

I have boxes of tapes and films and photographs of me... of my OWN stuff.

What are Dick and I trying to do?
What does it all mean?
(In the long term)

At the end of the documentary, Dick Rogers dies (brain cancer).

I was not prepared.

I remained in my movie-theatre seat with the other (fifteen to twenty) people sitting in the dark and follow his thoughts on the nature of death and the meaning of the end.

I (reluctantly) followed along.

I think he said something like,

"in the end there will be no spirit lurking about, no ghost or soul, just this flickering movie I've created so that I might briefly come to life like a sort of movie induced seance."

Better get on my own film. (I thought queasily)

He talked about there not being enough time to finish this film. (A student of his at Harvard finished it)

During the closing credits, I had the feeling I was in trouble, like I hadn't studied for an exam or forgot an important deadline.

I tottered out. Gotta get home. (For what?)

And except for my walk, I forget that I must look okay and healthy.

Because,

a foreign man, slightly handsome, slightly overweight, slightly European, followed me out into the lobby and said...

" you are experiencing pins and needles, is that right?"

(He noticed my tottering)

I nodded meekly, a breathy weak laugh, as if he'd said the cleverest thing.

"Oh yes, YES, that's right." (ha ha, ho ho) I offered lamely.

He (charmed and delighted) - "oh ... I haven't had that since I was a kid."

More lame laughter from me and the European disappeared past the popcorn stand towards the restrooms.

I exit the theater looking for my bike, looking behind me, looking at my reflection in a window, looking inside me to make sure that I am okay with the sad ending of the film, and looking (oh so briefly) through the large windowed doors of the movie theatre to see if the European was going to follow me.

RESEARCH TREATMENTS

Thank you for looking at this for me.
I'll try to get on it myself. Soon.

CR

____________________

But nothing is attached--Freudian slip?


NS

___________________

r u sure you don't mind doing this?
I  CAN do it.

CR

__________________

No, I don't mind, but where is the information of what i have to look up?  You haven't sent me anything still.  I know you CAN do it.  I don't mind doing it though.  Don't know how deeply I will understand the science, but I have a better natural understanding than you do probably.

NS

___________________


Thank you for checking this out.
I think if I were a friend of mine, and I was asked to look into this, it would add gloom and stress to my life.
SO, I want YOU to know that I am aware of your help and understand that it needs strength to listen to me talk about my situation. And I thank you and appreciate it.

I KNOW that ultimately I have to do this stuff.
I am moving at zero miles an hour right now.
My thoughts are... don't organize... to propel me.

CR

SUPERMAN

Hi,

Inspired by your generous, compassionate and always on the mark professional advice, I went to see (A PLAY downtown)
last night. It actually wasn't so hard. Ultimately I felt it was better to know how it turned out and to constructively evaluate how I might have approached it differently. I was surprised (and it eased the sting a little) to see that I was mentioned in the special thanks section.

Anyway, I always hear your voice in my head when doing theater things that are positive and community orientated rather than bitter and resentful.

How are you?

OV

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear OV,

That was good of you (and difficult) and thanks for saying that about me.

My thought is...
I think that if have a pure and true vision of what you want to accomplish as an artist you're superman.
The nerdiest people (i have discovered) have accomplished a lot because it was about their purpose and believing in themselves and not getting weighed down in resentments. There is a lightness about them, other people are attracted to it.

And things change, there are opportunities for people who aren't weighed down by anger or frustration and have been honing their vision. (I have a problem with purpose and clarity)

I am not great. (this week) I am taking things a few chores at a time.
I'm not looking at anything too closely just sticking to what is in front of me.
Church helps, Doctors are scary.(for me about this)

I imagine that I'll write a play?
But, I have to set myself up right, because I've never felt the calling to write like that. I don't have a facility for it.
But ultimately I need to create to keep going.

I feel better when I am out of the apartment.
I stopped working and am on unemployment and will sign up for disability any minute now.

CHARLIE

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Hey Charlie,

I think that I DO NOT have a purpose and vision as an artist. I hope that doesn't make me a fraud. I'd like to have one. I frequently feel frustrated by the things I see and the way people act around the work they do.

Do you miss working? Will you be working on your play? Do you want to hang out? I think you are a great writer with a very clear voice and vision. I'm looking forward to getting to read it when (if) you are ready to let me (or anyone). I've always admired your commitment to your creative life. You always are working on something or mindfully aware of your experiences to incorporate them in later work. I envy that about you.

I used to feel very comfortable around doctors because they all reminded me of my dad. But not now. There are a lot of reasons for that. Anyway...the way you described your specialist doctor on your blog (how's that going by the way?) made him seem sensitive. Maybe he is not. Regardless, it's terrible that you are going through this. It sounds like church brings you some peace.

OW

HEALING from Deepak Chopra

My soul can lead me to healing. I will become one with my true self. With this first affirmation we begin the healing process. From there ninety-nine other expressions of spirit follow, one for each day. All together they summarize the process of emotional and spiritual healing. They shift our attention from the external world to the inner world, which is the source of light.

Suffering threatens to make life meaningless. That is its greatest danger, not the pain it inflicts. It is up to each of us to restore meaning. Doctors cannot do it for us with their medicine; friends cannot do it for us with their solace and comfort. You are healed when you can say to yourself, “I matter, I belong, I am worthy, I am safe, I can express myself, I am loved.”

Inner healing involves moving from darkness to the light. “Light” is a word that has different meanings yet is generally understood as love and understanding. Love nurtures the emotional body; understanding fills the voids created by pain.

As you contact your true self, you will discover that the soul is not passive. Spirit knows more about us than we do ourselves, and it wants to support our every step toward wholeness. The soul journey has been called the pathless path because there is no map.

Every person’s steps are different. But the great wisdom traditions have told us a multitude of helpful things about spirit.

Light has the power to fill the void afflicted by darkness. Healing yourself comes in two stages – releasing the energy of suffering, then replacing it with the soul’s energy. It is a gentle process, very much like holding on to a thread as it leads you from step to step. What begins as the merest hint of new strength will grow. Your true self is always available to meet any challenge, find any answer, and show you the way out of any dilemma.

Adapted from The Deeper Wound: Recovering the Soul from Fear and Suffering, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2001).

More on Deepak Chopra's Tips (395 articles available)
More from Deepak Chopra (406 articles available)

At Church tonight,

Disease is material, material has no mind, no power. Mind has power.

Disease is error, error is evil, when we dismiss the belief and face down the fear, healing takes place.

There is only good. There is only power in good.

Evil isn't real, it is nothing. Allow evil to go back to where it came from, nothingness.

Do not fight your opposition, know yourself and allow G-d on his thrown to take care of the rest.

Christ said "Be not afraid" Rejoice! Rejoice!

Disease is fear on the body. What are you afraid of?

gentle workout

Mattie,

I did about 30 minutes of gentle motion exercises in the tub.

And about 45 on the carpet.

This seemed to help. The gentle exercises work in that, I feel more together and have a little more energy and maybe a little less soreness.

I think the idea for me (for now) is to do sessions of gentle breathing mind-body explorations maybe a few times a day( if I can).

The goal?

To regain comfort, ease, coordination, confidence and balance in my body.

To remind my body that I'm still here, and there is room for growth, there is hope for the re-emergence of, strength and health.

Charlie

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This sounds like a really good plan.
Yes, definitely to the gentle breathing/mind body explorations--and I like your goal.
We do the best we can and hope/trust that God will go along with our plan

Would you consider seeing Homeopath if they thought they could help?? I was jsut thinking about a young boy who was helped greatly when he had some weird neurological symptoms (ticks, uncontrollable movements).

Mattie

ENTRY to win a super cool folding BIKE

I've been cycling and walking to work since I moved to the New York 25 years ago. I like to run too. I've completed two New York marathons.I once bicycled across the country.

I feel independent and healthy on a bike.

This past year has been a difficult year for me. I have a pending diagnosis of a motor neuron disease. I can no longer run. I walk super slow. BUT, I can still ride a bike.
In fact, this is the ONLY way I get around now.

I have on old beater, a yellow '60s Schwinn. Super sturdy, one speed, heavy.

I can't take the Schwinn every where though.
So, when I leave the city, I'm stuck. No longer independent healthy biker.
The Strida would solve so many travel problems for me.

For instance, this summer, I have a short film showing at a festival in Cape Cod. Walking around Woods Hole would be ideal, but cycling could be good too. Just fold it up and bring it on the train to Boston, unfold it to get the bus to the Cape and I'm off to my festival. The Strida would save me from being dependent on other people.

Perfect solution for me!

By the way, I plan to get better.