KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Jackie (my sitcom neighbor) comes over with more DVDs from the library. She views them first, and then swings by my apartment to make her recommendations.

I am often shirtless in my boxers (or nothing), unshaven, the sink filled with filthy dishes, clothes strewn about, but there is nothing to be done about it.  I used to make a show of how clean I could keep my apartment. If I knew someone was coming over, even if I only had a minute to prepare, I'd make a mad dash to clean, to shine, to wipe down the counters, throwing things in closets, even pull out the vacuum, and then (like a stale I LOVE LUCY "bit"), I'd lie on the couch with a book and wait for my guest to arrive.

"Come in."

(I LOVE LUCY taught me so much behavior)

But these days, like a different hokey "bit" from I LOVE LUCY", I have suddenly gone from middle class cleanliness to the hillbilly world of "Dog Patch".  My new name for my apartment, DOGPATCH.

When Jackie comes over with new DVDs, she couldn't care less about the mess.

She definitely doesn't want to clean. (I asked).  I suppose she thinks it's fine as long as we get the rhythm of our daily dialogue right. And I am a willing actor in our daily show.

(OFFSTAGE) Knock, Knock, Knock.

CHARLIE  - Come in.

JACKIE - Hello?

JACKIE - Hello???????????????

CHARLIE  - Jackie?

JACKIE - It's me Jackie!

CHARLIE  - Come in Jackie... or.... wait a second.

(Charlie puts some newspapers over the naked lower half of his body)

CHARLIE  - Okay, come on in.

JACKIE - Aroo? Aroooooo? How is Aroo today?

(Meow, meow, MEOW!!!)

CHARLIE  -  Aroo only thinks about himself, Jackie. It's all about him.

JACKIE -  No, Aroo, loves you, he LOVES you!  He really does Charlie. When you're gone.  He sits. He sits in my lap and watches the door waiting for you to come home. He loves you.  Aroo, where's your toy? Where's your brush?

CHARLIE  - I think it's by the tub, I think I kicked the brush into the bathroom. Will you get it? It might be under those papers. And could you put my shoes in the sink?

JACKIE - Shoes? What shoes. Oh these. In the sink? Sure. I put them in the sink. Here it is. Here's his brush.  Aroo? Let me give you a brush. Don't bite. So handsome.

JACKIE -  I'm going back to the library. Did you finish Madame M?

CHARLIE  - M. Butterfly? yeah.

JACKIE - He was delusional, Charlie, it didn't  make any sense! About the baby. How could he think think he was having a baby. The only way he could think that is if he was KAH-ray-zee.

CHARLIE  - Well, no, They did have sex. Butterfly never took his clothes off. So Jeremy Irons just assumed, I guess, that he was having vaginal sex?

JACKIE - I've heard that you can get pregnant rectally. I think I heard that.

CHARLIE  - No...  really? I don't think so. I don't think, or I'm pretty sure you can't get pregnant having anal sex.

JACKIE - I think I heard you could.

CHARLIE-  Butterfly made it up anyway... and that's not what bothered me, what bothered me is that the actor playing Butterfly was too masculine looking. I could tell he was a man... I wanted to shout to  Jeremy Irons... "listen to that voice, look at the razor stubble! Butterfly is a guy and maybe (Jeremy Irons character), maybe, you're attracted to chinese men...

JACKIE - I didn't think so at all. I thought she was so feminine, so beautiful, I really believed it Charlie, I just thought Jeremy Irons was weird and out of his mind for thinking that baby was his...

CHARLIE  - Well, there's something there about the egos and pomposity of western men, I guess, right?

JACKIE - The pomposity of western men, yeah, I see.

CHARLIE  - But Jeremy Irons is so good, isn't he?

JACKIE - Charlie, he's wonderful, have you ever seen him in the one about the brothers. He plays himself and his brother.

CHARLIE  - They're maniacal or evil or something?

JACKIE - He's so good in that.

CHARLIE  - Yeah I really think Jeremy Irons is great.

JACKIE - Today I brought Nixon Frost.

CHARLIE  - Oh! I saw that on Broadway.

JACKIE - and here is this thing by that playwright Mam -may.

CHARLIE  - David Mamet.

JACKIE -  It's awful, so unbelievable, they all sound so phony. Do you want to see it? I think it's bad.

CHARLIE  - Yeah, you sort have to get used to him, yeah sure, thanks Jackie.

JACKIE - Here's your scotch tape, I left your change in the bag.

CHARLIE  - Thanks

JACKIE - So expensive, tape used to be a dollah, that tape from CVS was 4.69

CHARLIE  - I need to tape things to my wall.

JACKIE - Good. GOOD! then. You're getting organized. Good!

JACKIE - Alright, I'm going... It's really nice out and I got get out before the day is over... it's hot in here, you want me to open a window

CHARLIE  - Um, sure, yeah... if you can step over all that stuff.

JACKIE - Which one? This one? Yeah this one.

(JACKIE STRUGGLES WITH THE METAL BLINDS)

CHARLIE  -  Can you believe we have these horrible shades Jackie. I mean, they're HORRIBLE. And some people are paying like Five thousand dollars a month for these apartments and and they have to deal with these HORRIBLE shasdes.

JACKIE - Charlie! Don't get me started. I tell you... If I ever see Silverstein in the lobby/

CHARLIE  /You know I have,  I told you I talked to him in the men's locker room/

JACKIE  - /if I ever run into him the lobby or hallway ... I'm going to say him, "Mister Silverstein, would you live with these shades? Would you let your wife live with these shades? I really would Charlie...

CHARLIE  - They're horrible!

JACKIE  - Here's what I do... I leave the heat on and the window open. That way you're warm but your always getting fresh air.

CHARLIE  -  I guess I need to get going too. I gotta get my bike fixed. It's on the upper east side so I'll bike through Central Park.

JACKIE - Oh Central Park, that will be nice!!!... I think I'll go to Bryant Park.

CHARLIE  - You love that park.

JACKIE - Well, I don't like to get too far from home. I don't like to go too far. I'm funny in the head that way. See? I'm nuts Charlie. Didn't I tell you, haven't I told you before that I grew up in the village and didn't see Times Square 'til I was like...  twenty! Scary. No. I don't like to get too far away from home.

Well, I'll go. I better go. Do you want me to throw this away?

CHARLIE  - No leave it. I'll get it later.

JACKIE - Okay, bye Aroo. Aroo? Aroooooo!  See he loves you. He loves me too. But no more cats for me. No more cats. Okay... okay... bye.

WE HEAR: (Jackie talking to herself, mumbling to herself as she walks down the hallway) No more cats for me. I love them. But no more cats. Right? I am done with cats. No more cats for me...