The "F" Word

The morning before New Year’s Eve Jackie walks into my apartment.

“Hi Jackie.”

“Good morning Charlie! It’s a beautiful day out there. You gonna get on your bike? Look at the flags out there? The flags in front of the building? They’re not waving. No wind. That's good! Where’s Aroo? How’s Aroo?”

“He’s bored Jackie. He’s been waiting for you. All he thinks about is himself. It’s all about Aroo, Jackie."

“What?! Where’s his brush. He needs a brush. Aroo?”

Jackie finds Aroo’s brush and I stay fixed on the end of my couch, my feet inserted in my new $250 foot massager. The massager (made in China) both vibrates and grips! I surrender (bare chested in boxers-an immodest invalid)- staring at nothing, as the machine clutches, buzzes, and makes its preprogrammed "ka-chunk, ka-chunk" noises.

“Oye” I say to the void.

“Jackie... there really is no other word that can compete with "oye'. I mean what do non-jews have?
Geese?”

"There's the "F" word. People use the "F" word."

"Yeah, but everyone uses that. It's not confined to a specific culture. What Yiddish words do you know?"

Jackie brushes Aroo. "Well... there're shlemiel and shiksa?”

I try to come up with the word Mensch but I can't think of it. A guy at work used to tell me I was a real mensch. It sounded (to me) like he didn’t respect me and when he explained that it meant I was a really nice guy, I couldn’t help but think he was actutally saying... I was a pushover.

"How bout agida?" I offer.

"No, agida is Italian. It means that you've got really bad heartburn, indigestion."

(Ka-chunk, ka-chunk goes the foot massager. Purr goes the cat).

“Jackie, I’m reading a book by someone you know and love.”

“Is it Oprah?”

“No”

“Barbara Walters?”

“No. He’s very handsome and his initials are T.C.”

“John Garfield?”

“No Jackie! T.C. T.C. The initials are T.C!

"What I can't guess. I'm no good at games. What Charlie?"

Alright I'll tell you. Tony Curtis. I’m reading about the making of “Some Like it Hot.”

Oye.

Tony Curtis. I don’t know... he’s so full of himself. They slept together, he and Marilyn Monroe, during the shoot. He'd just had a baby. I don’t know. Oye. I think he was pretty full of himself.”

“A free spirit Charlie. Tony Curtis is a free spirit. You can’t fault him. He just likes to live free.”
Jackie defends Tony Curtis like we're talking about a first cousin or beloved ex-husband.

"And Marilyn? Jackie, Marilyn Monroe was a mess, the drinking, the pills...”

“Well, booze and pills will do that to you Charlie." Jackie makes a comically tragic face like we were talking about her instead of Marilyn Monroe. "She was hooked on booze and pills and ... MEN. All those men... Charlie, men can really mess with you.
Let me do some dishes. I want to do some dishes.”

Jackie moves to the sink.

“What are you doing for New Year’s Jackie? Do you have any New Year resolutions?”

“Well, I’m going to really try to live in the moment Charlie. Like that Ekhart Tollel says. I’m going to live in the now and I’m not going to do anthing that I don’t want to. There! That’s my New Year's resolution. You? What about you? Wadda you got planned?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m capable of doing. This week I'm wiped. I feel like I have the flu."

(I've felt so lethargic (this week) that my fatigue trumps any guilt of laziness).

“Well" Jackie suggests "You said you wanted to swim every day. You can put THAT on your resolution list!”

I nod sullenly, "that's true".

“And you’ll write a book. Charlie, I wish you’d write a book. You were born to write.”

“Jackie, no I wasn’t. That's not true. You got that wrong. I just started writing this year. I’ve never written anything. I’m just writing a little blog. That’s it. I’m an actor.”

“Then Charlie, you should ACT! Do a voice over if that’s what you want to do. You know all about show business. I don’t. I never got anywhere but you did. Call them up and tell them you want to do a voice over!”

“I have to focus on this illness.”

“You know what Charlie? You want my opinion?

F*ck ALS.

I think you should do what you want, and eat what you want, and drink what you want, and stop taking all of those vitamins! I don’t know anything Charlie I’m just telling you what I would do. I say F*ck ALS!"

The drama of Jackie's proclamation has induced an uninvited grin across my face. And then Jackie’s cell phone rings (or plays some fifties rock song).

“It’s Bruce my son-in-law. I gotta take this."

The foot massager "ka-chunks". The cat purrs. Jackie takes her call.

"Charlie, I gotta go. They’re going to pick me up. "NOW!" Bruce says. I really hate that. No warning. It's just "be ready". Don’t I have a life? Aren't I somebody I’m just supposed to jump like some I'm some trained animal or something!! I’ll see you later Charlie or tomorrow. Good bye Aroo- roo- roo.”