UNDRESSED

I am told to remain upright for as long as possible, reduce and eliminate toxins, change my diet, work out, don't lose weight -better yet, GAIN weight... and most important -  remain positive.

(I'm dancing as fast as I can).

This morning is lost to cooking, coffee and the paper.  The kitchen. I don't want to clean it, I want to tear it down and build a new one. The shallow sink is always full - the white tiled floor, filthy - the plastic counters, wet and crowded.

After brunch, after my first gulp of vitamins,  after JUICING! -

I massage my body with vata oil, an Ayurvedic method to detoxify the body. The oil has " a synergistic blend of 9 herbs, including ashwaganda, bala, passion flower and jasmine. Traditionally prepared in a base of organic sesame and olive oils, it warms and lubricates the delicate vata system, restoring calm and providing strength".

 I read and meditate.

My daily schedule to save myself is huge.

I want to sit on the couch and drink coffee.
I want to eat crackers and go to park.

BUT!

I have an appointment at 1 pm to see Gabriel, my cranialsacral therapist. I will be late.

I shower and dress. Dressing involves the frustration you might feel threading a needle with shaky hands (and time is of the essence) - I curse!

I step over kitty litter, old newspapers, dirty clothes

I surrender to DOG PATCH. And with Aroo daintily stepping over a lost sock, I realize I am brewing my own GREY GARDENS.

Before I go,

I strap on my leg brace and check for;

Keys, phone, wallet, glasses, sunglasses, cane, nuts and an apple, books, notebook, bike keys, bike battery, camera memory chip, nikon camera, mini video camera, gaffers tape. (I will tape the video camera to the handle bars of my bike today).

I swallow my second round of vitamins - the ones that need to be taken on an empty stomach.

I put on my dated periwinkle-blue Patagonia coat, and bike to the mess (where east meets west) in the lower thirties.

When I get to that thick traffic, the unique grainy cloud of New York that can't be replicated in movies made in Toronto or LA -when I get to 115 west 30th - a round hispanic teenager (part thug, part shy little guy) lifts my bike onto the sidewalk (the six inches in too much for me) and escorts it to a post twenty feet away. I follow with cane.

This act of kindness is a surprise for him (not for me, I'm getting used to being waited on).
He hadn't expected to be acting with mature charity.  His look says both shame and pride.
I am immune to his transformation. I am tired and resigned and foggy voiced.

I thank him like a worried old man.

Locking up my bike, I run into the same college friend I ran into last week! He's on his cell phone. He grins and pantomimes - "I'm on the phone,  I can't talk" also implied is - "this  is embarrassing! We ran into each other last week! and we didn't have much to say then, and here we are again!"

On the 12th floor of 115 west 30th (the floor filled with quiet creative start-ups) I peer into an open lofty room with one orange wall and racks of kid's clothes and toys. The business is called (something like ) "Organic Kid Scape".

I pass other inspired companies until I reach Backbone and Wingspan, where my craniosacral therapist works.

Gabriel is quiet when I greet him. Our last session was so successful, perhaps he doesn't want to mess it up with small talk.
He does comment that he likes my cane.

This time, we are silent. There is no speaking in tongues. I silently release my pain to him and it's almost sexual. I am good at letting down my guard when I need to (I think).

During the therapy, my mind dances. Some ideas I plan, and some I don't.

My body- I imagine it to be an aquarium - and went Gabriel speaks to my body (to my soul) and asks it communicate through my voice, I  picture the whole underwater world poised and listening, interested.

My body pleads, please don't do any more harm. Please don't say negative things or do negative things to this aquatic world. We ask you to be gentle.

I imagine the my body filled with cells, happy and angry. The universe (I posture) is mostly filled with smiling cells but my body is filled with a majority of angry, unhappy cells. My unhappy cells need to be turned over - need to change, release, allow the universal power, the strength of the divine eternal - star wars power - to aline happy... in my aquarium.

I don't have to hurt myself, stress out... to be me.
I am a part of divine perfection.  Are you listening Me? Leave me alone.

Afterwards, Gabriel tells me that he felt me open up in a way that he hadn't before. "Good!" he says.
He says he senses a deeper peace, a deeper understanding from me.
I feel my ego.  I am feeling sage-like and guru-ish.., me on my very special journey.

I tell Gabriel about the woman on the elevator who said "Its a good life unless you weaken".
Gabriel's interpretation is more positive than mine.
He takes it to mean weaken spiritually, not physically.

I bike to Whole Foods and the vitamin store to shop for healthy fats and vitamins.

There is a beggar on the corner. She wears a kerchief on her head. She asks everyone that passes her for change but when I pass her she just smiles. And she smiles at me with naked recognition. I feel undressed. We are equals.

I find a dollar and hand it to her.