LISTS

At work, Joe McGregor (a guy I really like) talks to me about the house he has bought 90 minutes into Long Island.
Our talk begins at the water-cooler and ends at the printers.

Joe is round like Santa, but he carries it well. And since he got married, bought the house, and had a baby, Joe looks handsome. (His baby has Down Syndrome) Joe is a grinning proud father. He can’t wait to get take that 90 minute commute back to his wife, daughter and new house. (you can tell)

This is a good man.

On our miniature walk through the office, he tells me about his unruly dog, and a niece that has been crawling out of her crib and almost out the front door.

This baby has wanderlust.

My parents had the same problem with me. I ran away from home (a lot). When I would run away (I think) I even carried a long stick with a bandana sack tied to the end (like a hobo).

I learned this look watching TV. "Petticoat Junction", "The Beverly Hill Billies or "I Love Lucy".

TV taught me everything.

Later, Joe brings over a list to my cubicle. Joe likes to include me in (his part of the office) activities. (His part of the office) has downloaded a list, a top 100 MOVIES list from the web.

"Charlie, we're passing this around because the list is so lame, add your own."

Joe assumes that I’m a movie nut because I’m fey and an actor. But my brain is years and years of training my creative instincts, not honing names and references.

I am at a loss for these kind of things.

What actor motivated you to become an actor? What play changed your life?
Your top five novels.
Three roles in Shakespeare that you gotta play.

All of these (kind of things) allude me.

Without looking at the list, I'm able to come up with a few, but I notice they’re already there.

Annie Hall,
All About Eve
Blow Up

But as I work at my cubicle, I’m able to add to the list (in clean block print).

Bringing Up Baby
Breaking Away
Easter Parade
His Girl Friday
Mildred Pierce
Night of the Hunter (I'm reading about the making of that film)
Philadelphia Story

and...

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (a film I've never seen, I put it down for effect)

At my professional break time, I stand to return it to Joe's desk and notice that this list has a subtitle.

White print on a black rectangle,

"To See Before You Die"

(as if on a tombstone)

100 Movies
"To See Before You Die"

Now I am more curious about the list. I make a Xerox copy of it and decide to tape it to the inside of my medicine cabinet-door (at home) for easy access.

And I check the official list (more carefully) to see which films are missing from my own history.

And I anxiously ponder, standing by my desk quite still, my mouth ajar, my brow closed (like I’ve forgotten where I left my keys)
Are seeing certain movies so important that watching them can change your life? Can missing a film (that you should see) change the very course of your life? Are these 100 films that I must see before I die?

I consider how films (and TV mostly) have duped me into believing life should go a certain way.
As a kid, certain stories crawled into my head and lay there (quietly).

As my life proceeded these quiet stories interrupted the viewing of my own reality, making me compare my cold, scattershot life to the warm, glowing inclusive stories enacted by Jimmy Stewart (movies) or Florence Henderson (tv).

This morning, I called Medco Insureance about the cost of taking this drug for my terrible disease.
I did a minute of research on the world wide web about the effects of the drug. (liver problems)
The web rattled out to me (carelessly and bluntly - an uncouth loudmouth) that most people (with this disease) have a life expectancy of three to five years.
It gets people in their forties.

It was like being bitten buy a snake. I recoiled from my monitor and keyboard.

I stood up.

I walked away.

I found my breath.

I shook it off.