MARY BAKER EDDIE

I talked to my friend Peggy today while I was drinking coffee at my coffee shop in Hell’s kitchen.
I talked to her on my I-phone which has become my security blanket.
I polish it in my hand like a worry stone.

Peggy is an odd bird. I like to talk to her because she is opinionated and philosophical. She’s led a complicated and messy life. Peggy was a famous film actor at one time. Now she’s selling real estate in the Catskills and redoing an old federalist brick house. Something I'd like to do,

We met in an acting class. She was Gertrude to my Hamlet.

Pegy is a Christian Scientist. When I told her about the terrible disease thing, before I could even go on about symptoms or prognosis, she was urging me to serve others and get outside myself.
This irritated me. I’m barely aware of the repercussions of what may become of me and she seemed to be sending me on a path of rote extracurricular activities.

But since I am annoyed by the terrible disease thing, Christian Science and Mary Baker Eddie kind of support my stubborn defiance.

Peggy suggested that...

physical ailments are a perceived thing

you are as healthy and as vulnerable as you decide

ask yourself how your problems serve you

(I have to admit that I’d like to leave New York and change my life)

She also brought up the Buddhist idea that there are no real problems, it's your perceptions of the circumstances that creates the problems.

That’s true. I see that.

Oh and also… be careful of being fearful.

Hmmm…. A lot to chew on and I appreciate it. I think that it takes discipline to have the proper outlook. If you don’t have it, religion, support groups, and education can put on the right path.

My friend John Don just called and interrupted me here at the computer.
He wants me to come to his wife’s sixtieth birthday party on the upper east side this Saturday night. She is in New Zealand right now shooting a commercial.

He asked how I was doing physically (I’d hinted in past conversations that I had some serious issues) and I guess I could have just keep my mouth shut and put him off.
That was my instinct actually.
But then I’m not having a genuine relationship with my friend.
There is some righteous voice telling me to spill. I’m supposed to include people.

The drama of my disease is so big that I kind of get a charge out of telling people.
But after I tell them I feel tainted somehow, like I confessed that I once accidentally killed a small child.

Something about "the reveal" that puts me on the other side of my listener. No matter how strongly they assure you " I’m there for you", they’re really just shocked at what you’ve told them and relieved that they're still standing on firm ground.

All of this is unacknowledged for my sake and their sake but from where I’m standing it just makes me feel further and further away from my friend.

John said he wouldn’t tell anyone (though he’ll have to tell his wife,right?)
And if he felt compelled to say he wouldn’t tell anyone, if it is a thing to be kept secret, should I have told John?

ugh.

John said he HAD a friend with ALS.

Had.

There is no conversation to pursue there.
We talked about his wife’s birthday.
And wrapped up a difficult conversation like we were talking about a lost job or a broken foot. But both of us are changed. The status of our relationship is changed.

I feel far away.